Jesus help me. I’m awake. This is frightening, a feeling of being overwhelmed by what life might hold for me until I can possibly hold tight to another night of some fantastical idealizations of non-existence. Some call it the blues or feeling glum. They have no concept of the battles that some us fight to make it through the day. Waking up staring at the ceiling, tossing and turning and then letting a barrage of tears flow is our, oh so, “gentle” and easy morning start. For me, the only menial pleasures can get me out of bed, my drive for a smoke, a cup of coffee, and a cocktail of useless medications.
I sit on the porch, bogged down by my failures and the ones that will soon be committed throughout the day, not for lack of attempting, Much of it has become apathy and world-weariness. I also fear not completing them or dropping the prospect that the project or action will falter and it will all be ashes in the wind just for nothing. So I look thought positive quotes and listen to “Why me Lord” by Johnny Cash and other songs that can be give me some hope.
At one time, I was quite a firestarter who saw my work through, but the heaviness of despair and the disease of depression and hopelessness and the futility of it all fell hard on spirit and I lost my drive. After several attempts at fixing this with psychiatry and counseling, I began self-medicating with drugs. Which only led me in a spiral. Now I battle two atrocious and very real deadly monsters that would love to see me dead.
I still struggle daily with both, but fight. I believe that each of us has a pain that was given to us and for some unknown reason it was meant to be shared. To hell with vulnerability. Being vulnerable is what the wisest of men have always shown to the world.
I assure you you can make it one more day. Put on a good song. Drink some coffee, have a smoke, watch a stupid, video, write your pain and share it and always remember that you are here for a purpose and sometimes you have to fight like hell to survive to find out what it is.