I woke up today quite immobilized. I was just anxious and depressed and had no desire to move. There are certainly days like this and some of get this kind of attack. It’s a kind of rainy hopeless despair. I thought I’d write a bit of a blog about it today.
I hope some of you can relate to this and get something out of it.
The seemingly impossible task of getting out of bed and facing the world can be frightening for some us. It’s not because we are cowards, it’s because we are individuals tortured by a disease that longs for us to suffer. Whether you call it depression, hopelessness, despair, or hell it is all relatable. We who have this condition are truly the fighters, unbeknownst to the “normal” person who has never been afflicted with this terrifying and incapacitating ailment. They will never understand, some may empathize, but it’s an experience that is known only to the carrier of the darkness. The shadow that is always there ready to appear at in anytime in any circumstance.
Our only recourse is action in the face of the fire or to check out. We can draw strength from memories past when we loved and felt joy and hold strong to the belief that these moments will present themselves again. Even if it is from vague childhood recollections, hold on. For they will come if you wait out what seems to be a permanent midnight.
A single ray of light may appear briefly and what a wonder to behold for those in the dark prison of their mind. We struggle against ourselves and that curse creates a soul-searching fear that we will never find the joyful self. How many times I have prayed and hoped that I would awake to a new world, one of hope and excitement, only to be paralyzed in bondage of self-sabotage and gloom.
As the “others” may say, we lack self-will, we have laziness, self-pity, or apathy. These are the ones born without the challenge of knowing who they really are. To truly know oneself, you must walk through the fire, the darkness, understand the true human condition. As we are challenged we must remember we are also learning our weaknesses and how to trudge through the pain. It is a daily struggle, but we are the seekers and usually the ones that change the world. We are closer to our soul than the “others”. Remember that and use that for good. Those that have been beaten, lost, hurt, cursed, and abused are the ones that rise to heights above the norm. We have fought many battles, lost and won, but always learned.
We were created to suffer for a the greater good to create the greater good, don’t quit.